Am I killing It?

Three days into my trip and I'm faced with self-questioning: Am I killing it? Am I doing all I said I was going to do to stay on track? Yes and no. When I went through schooling for speech language pathology, I learned some pretty important stuff - yes I learned how to fix kids with that Sid-the-Sloth lisp, but I also learned some very important things that I've applied to everyday life. One being this: Make sandwiches. Sound like your kind of thing? Me too. Because it has the word sandwiches in it. Love me a solid sandwich. But I'm not exactly talking about the kind you're thinking of. Hear me out. Make sandwiches. You start with the good. The middle should be the not-so-good. And the ending? Should always be good. Simple enough. Always sandwich the "tough-to-say-out-loud" information between the really good, encouraging details. For instance, when I'm explaining to a parent that their child has a severe language delay, I start out with what the child did well (Jonny is good at making eye contact and responding to me when I call his name). THEN I go into the not-so-good (unfortunately, Jonny really sucks at talking- okay I don't say it like that but it's just a story, get over it) LAST I say another good thing (Jonny is a rockstar when it comes to listening, in fact he listened so well I gave him a sticker, etc.). When I talk to parents I make sandwiches. Really, really long yummy sandwiches, like one of those party subs from Subway kind of sandwiches. So now I'm going to make you a sandwich and tell you why(why not) I'm killing this vacation. And then at the end of this gold nugget of a blog, I'm going to encourage you to make your own sandwich. I hope you're literally eating a sandwich while reading this - wouldn't that be just freaking ironic? Bread crumbs falling onto your phone screen, mayonnaise chilling on your lip. Or maybe it's peanut butter, I don't know your type, I don't know what you're into. Okay moving on, here's my sandwich: AM I KILLING IT? Yes. I've been to the gym every single day since being here. I've kept my same splits as when at home: chest/delts/cardio at the hotel fitness room with my girl Ali, back day/cardio at The Peak in Missoula alone, and then absolutely killed my legs today, alone. I am definitely killing it in the gym. I absolutely without a doubt am killing it - mostly because this gym excites me, it inspires me, and I'm like a child messing around with their awesome equipment (which is brand new and runs so smoothly, might I add). Currently I'm writing another blog regarding why that gym is so amazing, so I won't get into it here although I could go into complete word vomit right now expressing the deepest and truest passion right here and now but again, I'll spare you. And I'll spare Brad too because he doesn't need to know there's anything else in this world I love more aside from him. I've considered why it's been so easy to kill my workouts this vacation and it's truly because of my preparedness (word drop-BOOM). I called five different gyms about two weeks ago and found out if they had weekly passes, drop-in rates, what kind of equipment they had, etc. Although there aren't a lot to choose from in Missoula, I ended up choosing the one that was closest to my sister's house so I could spend as much time as possible with my nieces. They charged me $25 for the whole week! Doesn't that rock?! The answer is yes, yes it does rock. Most CrossFit gyms charge that much to just drop in for a day! Ain't nobody got time for that kind of daily rate - I mean, I'm not poor but I spend $25 a week just on ice cream so let's be real, when you're faced with one day of gym vs. five pints of ice cream, which would you pick? Me too. Side note: you're probably asking yourself well why doesn't she just go workout with her old CrossFit friends at her old gyms for free? Welp, totally a topic for another blog, but let's just say I didn't want to drive that far. Yeah, let's go with that. So I gave you that base layer of my sandwich - and let's just say it was something baked with lots of butter and mayonnaise and softness and chewiness and crunchy crust. Satisfied? Me too. Moving onto the middle - the MEAT - the nitty gritty, the not-so-good Spam peppered Bologna kind of middle to my sandwich. Ready? I'm sort of not killing it. There, I said it. I confess that I'm one of the most self-critical people you will ever meet, so let's take that into consideration. Putting that aside though, I am not killing it. In regards to nutrition, I am not. Here are my reasons: 1. Ice cream. REAL ice cream in my sister's freezer. 2. Trix, Cocoa Pebbles, and Cookie Crisp. I've never even HAD Cookie Crisp! Well, now I have. 3. Chips. Pretzels, Cheetos, and Potato chips. All piled in my sister's pantry. 4. Fruit. Bananas, apples, strawberries, blueberries. 5. My sister is a bomb baker and cook. Pastries, muffins, lasagne, soup. All leftovers. All in her fridge. 6. Cheese. Enough said. 7. Frosted animal cookies. Enough said. 

My seven reasons. My seven deadly sins. Hi my name is Aubrie and when I go on vacation, specifically to Missoula, I'm faced with nostalgia up to my eyeballs that gets me into my old habits of grazing and snacking and munching on anything and everything within arm's length. Munchtown; population:1. Now, have I fit all these foods into my daily macro count? YES. For the most part. On Sunday, we ate at a restaurant so I guesstimated amounts and today with snacking around I've also done some guessing. Which should be the cap to my sandwich because that's a really good thing that I've stayed on track! - but it's not. Why? Because I don't feel good. Mentally and digestively I don't feel good. For one, I'm eating because I'm bored. I haven't eaten this way in so long and I can feel its effects taking over. Brad and I talk about this a lot, but it's like opening a box - once you've opened it, it stays open and you get the urge to just fill it with all the things you never normally eat, whether you're hungry or not. So how do I cope? Lots of water. Lots of gum. Lots of activity (jumping on trampoline, the worst game of Pictionary in history as evidenced by the attached picture...) Baby carrots. And also, letting go.

Letting. Go. Which leads me into my sandwich cap, that cute little sesame seed Asiago dusted hat for my little sandwich man. Got a little red plastic-tipped toothpick slid right in there too. He's so cute and delectable isn't he? I'm going to top my sandwich off with this goodie goodie: I'm killing it more than ever before. I have done something that I've never done before on vacation. I have LET GO of any kind of guilt or regret or shame associated with the fact that at times, I may not be 100% pedal-to-the-metal smashing my nutrition and health goals during vacation. It feels good to let go sometimes. Now when I say I let go, you may be picturing me as this blob of sun-kissed jello-like skin growing into the beach chair, fingertips drenched in a layer of orange Cheeto film, eating frosting right out of the container. But that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm referring to is the fact that I've conquered my old self. The self that used to obsess all day long about what she just over-ate, the workouts she didn't finish or didn't even go to, or the guilt she'd know would plague her once she got into bed that night. More than any other vacation prior, I have managed to maintain my sanity while on vacation. I don't obsess, I don't over-think, I don't feel guilty, I don't feel ashamed. All it took was some extra planning, energy, and determination to set me straight for this week. I focused so much mental energy before and during his trip that there was no way I was going to fail. As promised, I'm going to now encourage you to make your own sandwich. Tell yourself something that you've been doing really well lately, then stick some not-so-good in there-this part is going to take some strength because chances are you're going to have to be completely and utterly real with yourself. Face the truth about your faults and assess why it is you're not conquering that portion. Then, and only then, you can place your dainty little topper full of goodness on that sandwich tower. That sandwich topper is the most important part. Learn how to be real with yourself and criticize some flaws that have been on your mind lately but overcome them with positive thinking. Search within yourself to identify what it is you are doing right and what is best supporting your goals.

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